the full moon, psychic powers and letting go of my past

as i more fully step into who i am, my powers come back. as i turn the bend on another soul-cycle, i feel more integrated, more whole, more ready to further fully allow my creator-self to manifest.

Last night the super moon was just that SUPER. It hung low in the sky and was huge. My whole being felt drawn to it, magnetized, as if I was going to start floating up toward it. it was supercharging me energetically! Lately I’ve been coming to the realization that I am psychic. I’ve had this feeling for years now, but the confirmations are getting stronger, more palpable & astounding, even laughable at times! I think of friends who I haven’t thought of in ages and the next day they send me a message saying, I was thinking about you yesterday. I can also read people’s minds sometimes or I get “information” about people from near or far.

I feel hesitant to write these things, which is natural. I even feel some fear or a little scared (maybe genetic memories from the witch trials?). These gifts are not readily accepted in our society. They’re not really well-known or understood. By me even. I can’t control this power and, as of yet, I’m not even sure how I can use it as a gift. I know it gives me insights, yet I’m not sure how I can use them. I’m sure this will unfold in time. What I’d like now is to get more comfortable and familiar admitting it. Why do I choose the word admitting? Because it feels like letting some taboo cat out of the bag! I think this is for multiple reasons, some of which I’ll list below.

When I was growing up, I went to a fundamentalist Christian school, went to church, had a Christian mother, etc. I was taught a lot of stuff from the Bible about how witches are bad, magic is bad and is against God, magic is scary and you should stay away from it and that anyone who has these powers is basically a bad, evil witch who is against God and on the dark side. Now, that sounds so black and white and almost laughable! But, in summation, that’s really how my upbringing framed witches, paganism, witchcraft, psychic powers, etc.

I’ve spent the last few years getting to know the New Age community- its people, its trends, history, fashion, spirituality, healing methods, ceremonies, etc. It took a lot for me to “get over” my Christian upbringing to even let myself step foot in a pagan ceremony. Really! I remember in the beginning, I was so hesitant of it because I was taught that it was evil. It is evil to pray to any god except for the One God of Masculine Christianity. It is wrong to challenge this. It is wrong to make altars out of earth elements. It is wrong to invest yourself in New Agey stuff.  All of these “fears” I’ll call them, washed under me like a current and instilled hesitancy in me. Obviously there was something stronger in me that came from within and reached towards these experiences, but the original programming (imprinting, as one therapist called it) still lingers.

I’d like to release this! That is my intention in writing this article: I’d like to release this to live the life that I want to live, fully serving whatever god (god, goddess, spirituality, whatever) that I want to, living the life that I want to, being the person I want to be. My mom is a very heartfelt and strict Christian and I think this is a remaining thread I have yet to totally let go of. Because she openly disapproves of and says she is afraid of my path. That if I have pagan symbols or deer skulls, etc in my house, she won’t be able to visit. This hurts me and I am bothered that my mom has such a negative feeling toward my choices in life. Especially when they are choices that come so naturally for me.

I think this is also why I have hesitancy in admitting or fully stepping into the psychic powers that are starting to come through me. I am working on creating safe space for myself in it, because honestly it can be pretty scary when I start feeling them come in full-blast, like they did last night in the light of the full moon. I can feel a strong energy in my crown chakra and I start receiving all this information. I’m becoming more “okay” with this realization that this does happen to me. I think more acceptance will come with time and experience. For now, I am working on centering and grounding myself, creating a safe space around myself that only allows unconditional love, and really listening to what I hear, listening with the eyes of my heart and soul. I was so inspired last night to pay closer attention to these happenings after I read an interview by an amazing dancer who is also psychic (thank you spirit guides for orchestrating that 🙂 ).

This quote by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes encourages me to frame and claim this transition from “survivorship” (from Fundamentalist Christianity & judgmental imprinting) to one of thriving and naming myself,

“Being able to say that one is a survivor is an accomplishment. For many, the power is in the name itself. And yet comes a time in the individuation process when the threat or trauma is significantly past. Then is the time to go to the next stage after survivorship, to healing and thriving. … One can take so much pride in being a survivor that it becomes a hazard to further creative development. … Once the threat is past, there is a potential trap in calling ourselves by names taken on during the most terrible time of our lives. It creates a mind-set that is potentially limiting. It is not good to base the soul identity solely on the feats and losses and victories of the bad times.” 

 

All in all, I feel deeply (on a soul level) excited about these powers that are coming up for me. I have laid many times beneath a full moon and known that these powers will come in stronger one day. I have been told by numerous healers and people who are psychic that my gifts will just get stronger as I heal myself and grow up. This is exciting! My intention is to use them for healing, for beauty, for joy, truth & love. 

 

to be honest & true, who knew….

i never knew
that in being true
people would want to listen to me

that in speaking what i see
clearly
it would warrant others’ company

that by saying what i feel so plainly
it could touch so many

cheers to the truth, people who feel it, hear it & respond, and the unfolding of the indomitable spark of all of life within us all

out of the box composting: my christian upbringing & sexuality & being in a (woman’s) body

i think there is something to me not feeling the right to be in my body and the fact that after 5th grade, i started going to a christian school. i think there is something about me not feeling safe in my body and the statistical figures of the amount of women raped or the sheer fact that people still say when a woman is raped, “what was she wearing” – as if what a woman wears warrants someone raping her. there is something to me not feeling safe in my unique expression as a woman-doing-what-she-pleases, the witch hunts are buried in our cultural story, in our dna, after all.

i’m not sure if i’ve ever been to this planet before. sometimes i feel that i am a star sent here for a time to shine bright (and as i type that my body lights up in truth). but i do know that i stepped into some whacky stuff concerning the way females are treated currently on this planet. that (some) men feel the right to have possession over their bodies- the right to “have a say” in any regard in their lives. as if anyone can speak for another person. last time i checked we all have vocal chords (yeah and some people’s don’t work normally, but that’s not the point). the point is that i didn’t feel a right to my body because i was taught that it wasn’t safe to be expressive, to be in my skin. the old slut-shaming- yeah i caught wind of that one too. but it was worse, or in the least, pervasive, at my christian school because we were told that even if we showed some skin that we were causing our christian brothers to sin- no shorts, no tank tops, no low cuts, no backs-showing-when-we-leaned-forward in class. that we were causing their naturally-roving eyes to stumble – which, again, leads it back to the sexuality of men (and their choices of what to do or not do with their eyes, hands, words, thoughts) being our problem. the boys would have chapels about pornography at least once every year- where a speaker would come in and talk about how to beat this old bastion of sexual urge and about how pornography hurts everybody, while the girls would have chapels about eating disorders (because we all know what the high standards of the media, social fashion, gossip, and the general jealousy and horrible competition between high school –but does it ever really end in high school?– girls leads to – BODY INSECURITY, shame and a horrible and pervasive non-acceptance of everybody’s body no matter what the fuck it looks like).

this is wrong & i am calling out my christian upbringing for this. i have a lot to say about christianity and whoever needs to can use whatever rhetoric to speak up against me. i don’t care. did you know at one point i was even going to be a christian missionary- i was so brainwashed in the message? i know the bible so don’t try to use it against me. the culture of christianity and how it uses the bible today is much different than the message of the christ who says love god, love one another– i think that’s a good enough place to start working, and never stop. and in my way, this is me loving my neighbor and exposing the dis-eases of a huge part of our cultural consciousness of which i grew up a part.

no one except my best friend knew i masturbated all throughout high school. i felt so ashamed and like it was written on my forehead that i felt like everyone would know i masturbated and that someone would blurt it out when i was in public spaces. my boyfriends and i tried really hard to be pure and WE BEAT OURSELVES UP OVER IT (i’m talking crying & repentance & continual verbal and written re-pledges to never do it again!) if we made out too much or too long or touched parts that we weren’t supposed to touch. this greatly skewed my sexuality. this greatly skewed any semblance of the phrase: i have a right to what i do with my own body. safe sex? no we weren’t taught that- only abstinence, which did not help me at all once i started actually having sex with people later in my life. i had to self-educate and empower on ALL OF MY SEX EDUCATION. i am sharing this so that this little kitty can come out of the bag. i am stilll healing from my christian upbringing, which is not all about christ’s love, people, it is (naturally, as we are all humans in bodies after all) about CULTURE, SOCIAL DYNAMICS, CONTROL. i have no problem with christ’s message. in fact, i get a lot of connection from it. after all, i believe all of our little i’s are here to make union with the divine spark of life. but to create a culture of control which takes over people’s chakra system and effectively shames, guilts, brainwashes them into their belief system of how to act & be a “good” human on this earth- which I’ll add again IS NOT BASED ON THE ACTUAL CHRIST’S WORDS BUT ON A SOCIAL SET OF NORMS– is wrong and hurtful.

some people don’t have this experience of christianity. ini is one — he grew up hearing God is Love. they never talked about hell in his church. there was no evangelizing. they preached on a principle of no war. i have nothing against this. if people want to gather together under a title-head name of a christian denomination or under the name of a certain person and get a building and share their good non-violent messages with other people I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THIS. but when people start to say who gets to go to heaven & gay-bash & make women and people (cuz let’s be honest here, it’s dubious weather christian patriarchy even serves the men here in the final hour) wrong in who they are I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS. and i can speak acutely about it because i used to be a part of it. i used to evangelize as a part of it!!!

there are people with good hearts within the christian church, but i need to call out this christian culture for which it stands. it’s time to step up from out of this skewed second and first chakra trapping i grew up in and speak about my experiences. i understand that many people are a part of this group because the value system creates a modicum of safety and i understand that in a world of free-for-all and unstructured chaos outside of the structure which we have the control to create for ourselves or join (as in a church, ecovillage or other organization), it can be scary to exist, to raise a family and it can feel scary and lonely to be alone, on your own, etc. but this form of the christian church i was raised in and went to middle school and high school in is not safe and it perpetuates and represents a very pervasive and sneaky form of evil in our world.

i write this 1. because i need to say it and 2. because i know there are other people still healing from christian culture upbringing and it may help to connect the dots & create a sense of solidarity and space for them/us and 3. because i’ve been storing & analyzing and healing from within all this data from my life & i’m finally coming out as a modern socio-cultural critic/artist. can you relate? what does this bring up for you?

in lieu of _______ , I put my energy into _________

in lieu of the anger, frustration, disbelief rising in me due to the fact that so many people seem to have their head up their ass in relation to so many issues, but primarily: the disempowering economic job force media based- buy this to finally be good enough-keeping up with the joneses scheme & the turning a blind eye to earth devastation: deforestation, unclean/unprotected air/water, depleted agro-chemical soil, destruction of indigenous communities & countless ecosystems for monetary gain or expediency…

I put my energy into 

• searching for land where i can put trees into a land covenant for forest/ecosystem protection
• keeping bees
• creating food forests and gardens
• continuing to be in wonder of the earth’s bounty & beauty
• dancing on the earth & collecting & implementing her medicine
• building soil
• sharing this example with people & encouraging them toward their own healing path
• speaking out when I can shed more light on the aforementioned devastation

it is easy for me to get caught into my anger which sits in me like a fire. yet anger burns and it eventually creates wildfires. i choose to put my anger as fuel toward creating what i want to see happening. i choose to fuel what delights me and makes my life worth living. amen.

in the land of home: two graces

Tonight Ini & I had a heart council. New Moon in Taurus. Time of earthy, grounded, materialistic beginnings. We follow in the tradition we learned at OUR ecovillage by a teacher from the Ojai Foundation. It opens us up, lets more mystery into our conscious awareness, usually heals & clarifies. Tonight we did it in the bath. Bright blue skies transform after the rain. The grass is bright green. The sun sets casting a mysterious hue.

We hold a talking piece in our hands throughout the council. It signifies, this is my turn to talk. Tonight we used a big chunk of citrine. Inherent in heart council is speaking from the heart as well as not planning what you’re going to say before the talking piece comes to you. This way container truths are able to rise organically, informed from one person to the next. And how easy is it to truly listen when we know what we are going to say? In this way, council encourages the inherent value of each person’s wisdom in the moment. As I said, magical, simple & profound truths can come from this.

 

read the rest here at rainbowbridgetotheheart.com.

spirit connection: the place

me as human is an energy being, a creature with 2 legs & 2 arms. i can only do so much, really. me as a human only has so much capacity, yet through this capacity i can hold the space for something so much greater than myself. this is what i feel called to do.

i want to hold space for a space to flow through me. i want to hold the fort down of a place where the following can be found:

• spaciousness: to feel spirit & breathe deep
• ancient: reflecting deep cyclical forces from which we all originate; not for quick profit, not for quick anything
• mater: deep presence of connection with mama earth
• meeting place: where people can congregate & grow
• home & hearth: feeling of warmth, coziness
• wilderness: large pieces of wild land (undisturbed by humans)
• purity: clean air & protection from pollution
• art: expression, vision, creativity, innovation
• secret nooks
• streams: fresh, clean, flowing water
• mystery room
• abundance: food forests, alignment with earth’s ways, permaculture gardens

this place reflects spirit connection. i am just a human with 4 limbs, a brain, a pumping heart. yet i could hold the space for infinite forces to move through me. may this space have the chance to grow through me and others. give me the courage to be embodied and hold the space for this. amen.

swarm at red earth community in missouri

the soul is a strange tree that sometimes grows an apple &
sometimes a pumpkin
sometimes causing trouble &
sometimes remedying it

~rumi

All One: Love

Write about the people, children of god just like us, who have forgotten. Forgotten their divine rights, forgotten their divine shine. Forgetting that they have all of the power inside.

Listen, everything done outside of you will be a distraction. Everything- any time you seek to gain energy from a source outside of you- it is not the true source, therefore it will leave you. It will not be enough. The everlasting well is within. Nothing- no drug, no person(s), no event, no hobby, no job will ever be enough. Connect with the well-spring from within. These are all good words for us to hear.

We can think that the people living on Skid Row have it worse than us, that they are in dire straits because of their condition- oftentimes drugged up without a buck, pussy inseminated with some unknown john’s seed for a high… this is very sad stuff…. Our siblings, let us look, don’t turn your eye, your heart from this scene. This, too, happens. It will make your heart bigger, this seeing. It will expand you, who you think you are. Yet when we reach for the remote, reach for the beer, reach reach reach for something outside, it is the same as these addicts, though on a smaller scale. The consequences have more time to haunt us, to show… yet, it is no different, really. If we are not connected to the source within, we are the same as these beggars after highs. Searching for the eternal high, can only be found… within.

One dark night of seeing brothers and sisters on their lowest point. Drugged up, no place to go. Not drugged up, one track mind. Such pain and sadness. Right after the injection- relief, but the soul is in such a sad state. Breathe deep. The soul is crying. Our system, listen people, it is true, our system is not made for human beings. It is not made for us. It is not made with heart. Theories of the head, don’t think right now, feel. The system does not serve the people. We must create a new system. It will grow out of our very bones like a tree from concrete. Do not worry what the system will look like. It doesn’t need extensive city planning. This is a system written on our dna, there’s no need to worry that we’ve forgotten the way. Remember remember remember , remember remember remember.

There is no division, what happens over there happens here. What happens over there happens here, so stay clear of the atmosphere which induces us to think that only what we see is real, that there is an “away” that trash can go, that somehow, having Whatever it is we have right now is worth more than clean water, or clean air, or making sure people are feeling good. There are lies built into all of us and it’s our job to help each other remember. That is what remembering means, re-membering, a putting back together. What was once fractured, forgotten, dissolved and forsaken. You are remembered. You, on the street there in southern California, you in the back alley cutting your wrists for the pain, you drinking silently in secret, you burdened with so many responsibilities. It is time to re-member, these parts of ourselves too.

It’s all nice to be shiny on the surface, but these are our shadows that live in the dark. These are our parts so afraid to be seen, but that’s what they really need. So here is a flashlight, it’s solar powered from within, it’s not going to go out, so let’s begin.

We’ve got a culture, listen, put on hold whatever you’ve been told and hear your heart’s cry, it’s inside each of us… give it a try…..

Listen, from birth we are programmed from the start, for our cells to have an x y z to make it in society. It’s no ones fault, not your parents, no not theirs either, and nor yours, none.. the only fault you have is when you know what to do and don’t do it.. so keep looking now the light is shining bright… programmed from the start, from outside not encouraged toward the soul’s destination, which is oneness with all and true shining elation… but first we must see, see what is endarkened. No illusion here, perhaps the hardest part yet.

 

Growing up, doing everything to get along, fit in to get by… for this is the way to make ends meet, to fit in as you’re walking down the street. But! there comes a time when the soul calls so loud, everything besides is such a pain. Listening to that call, find the same message from all the spiritual greats.

 

Love, is the answer. Love is the answer. Oneness, shining from within. So simple, the mind will find a million duplicitous messages to distract from the simplicity of this answer. Yet, it remains. Love remains. Believe in your love; let nothing distract you. And that is All.

 

Channeling puffball wisdom in resistance to the mainstream

Juliette de Bairacli Levy in her book on herbs, Common Herbs for Natural Health writes of the puffball, clavatia species, when the mushrooms are crushed and applied to wounds, they check excessive bleeding and promote healing. Use when ripe, with clouds of black or brown spores for these are the active part. She learned this from the Manouche Gypsies of Alsace-Lorraine, a former French territory usurped by Germany in the early 1900s. Levy spent many years of her life as a gypsy herbalist traveling the world. One of the head people at Mountain Rose Herbs recently died who also traveled as an herbalist, getting to know plants all over the world and how they have been used in relationship with humans over time. I think I’d like to do this, too.

Scott Nearing, in his later years in response to a young graduating girl describing herself in a letter as “free at last” wrote to her,

“‘Free’ in this connection is rhetorical- nothing more. After graduation you will be at the mercy of
1. Your physical hungers, your undisciplined mind, your vague aspirations and hopes. Above all, of your deeply embodied habit patterns which are yours and yours alone, and very tyrannical.
2. The frantic, hysterical pressures and counter-pressures of a social order in its death agonies.
3. The embracing and unfolding forces and influences of nature- of the universe of which you are a part.

Unless you can be at peace with yourself, adjusted to the community and in balance with nature you will have a rough, unhappy and unrewarding life. You are free within physical limits: you can raise or not raise your own arm. But where others are concerned, once involved in relationships with others, your every act affects them and their actions affect you. Realize you are part of all that goes on around you.” (From Loving and Leaving the Good Life, Helen Nearing.)

Scott was a truly remarkable thinker and acting idealist, and lives on through his writing. Sometimes his words are so stark, pointed and true I must laugh out loud. At one point early on in the aforementioned book, Helen is going on about how Scott was pinning her down from her reckless and naive life choices, pinning her down to her own spoken grounded desires that she was in fact not living but only professing on the surface.

The note to the young girl above really halted me this evening. I see myself and some very near statement I made in the past reflected there and his advice speaks to me pointedly. I think the past few months of committed meditation, reflection, time spent in nature, reading and study have significantly altered a lot of what he addresses in #1, yet how loudly these tyrannical habits call! It is amazing in the sweep of society and its pressures, in the mainstream so to say, how one organism, an individual human, can set a course for oneself and follow it, against all externalities.

I need to remind myself of the healing powers in puffball spores to continually return myself to the wonders of earth, to the wonders of true connection with real, living, worthwhile phenomena. It is so easy to get swept up in things outside of our mission, yet it is the steps taken toward fulfillment of our mission and alignment with the whole which brings deep satisfaction.