a fresh wind moves in: letting go of the angst

Today as i walked the loop by my parent’s house it was palpably a different experience for me. We moved into this house from a fish-bowl neighborhood, where everyone is competing with each other & can literally see into each other’s homes to know what they’re competing on. One of my friends growing up – her dad was a basketball star on our state’s NBA team & i used to play in the lake, others were my wild soccer team members (lots of stories to share about that!), and others were children with lame mothers who didn’t enjoy it when i would invite their daughters to play in the ice with me- so what if our feet got caught as we tromped around the icy stream beds? we were on an adventure! but i digress..

We moved here and it was spacious & surrounded by farm fields and the occasional farm house (which pretty soon got torn down as little box neighborhoods, as i call them, were popping up in their place). Good bye corn & soybeans, Hello plastic siding & same-looking boxes with same landscaping for people to live in! Everyone gets their little mortgaged square of bland, colorless earth around here. At the time, i was a very active young one – playing sports in every season, hanging out with friends, making out with my boyfriends in the basement. It was a time i look back on as being so outwardly-focused. But sometimes in my room, especially at night, i would feel this hungering ache. I would write poetry to my boyfriends or write in my journal to God. I read Edna St Vincent Millay. I wondered what it would be like to live an artist’s life and i hungered. It was a hungering ache i didn’t understand & it made me feel very very alone & misunderstood. While on the outside, perhaps everyone would’ve said, well, that girl had such a great, well-liked high school situation – and, in so many ways they were right – but there was so much uncharted territory, so much of myself, left unaddressed and, well, neglected. The plastic siding & homogeneity only made it worse.

They tore down the farmhouse i could see from my bedroom window – and the one across the street too, where my sister & i would dare one another to sneak into the old, falling-apart, creaky barn & where i got the then-wild asparagus & transplanted it into the garden. The neighborhood seemed to magnify this ache that i had. The homogeneity was excruciatingly painful. I saw it as a place with no character. Without soul. Filled with slaves disguised as people who take out mortgages & listen to everything the local news says. A place where people live in fear & do not think for themselves.

My inner life was relatively untapped while in high school. My inner learnings were to unleash themselves/i was to open up a few years later as i faced certain struggles like death, injury, desire & ways of life different than the ones i’d known growing up. Since this homogenous neighborhood experience & many seekings of character, art, ingenuity, individuality & ram-shackledness later, i am pleasantly surprised today as i go on an evening walk and feel peace as i look around at the surroundings, the plastic siding, the boxes, the manicured lawns.

Suddenly, my judgment or perspective of the place was not holding me back from enjoying my little moment in nature, my walk on the concrete loop in the subdivision’s flood plane turned into nature trail (i’m sure you’ve seen one of these places – a little forest, prairie, wetland nook in an area unbuildable for homes within a subdivision). The prevalence of non-native, “invasive” species didn’t bother me. The cotton woods were beautiful, as were the red-breasted black birds and the shrubby legumes were so prevalent & taking back that landscape, fixing nitrogen into it, so well! The sky had just rained & big grey billowing clouds were still turning above me. I felt like a witch as i harmonized with my surroundings, taking step by step, recollecting & embodying the walking meditation i had taken part in the week before at the prison meditation. Perhaps it was seeing some of the horrible natural devastation in Peru just a few months prior that gave me this perspective. The clear-cutting of the amazingly diverse amazonian rainforests into vast deserted land. The pollution near rivers & in cities. Perhaps it was this perspective which more easily allowed me to “let-go” of my previous hold on hating & judging & disdaining this young adult habitat of mine. Perhaps there’s something in this week’s astrology (I think so), which eased this transition for me. Or perhaps, this wound has finally dislodged in a deeper way within me & i have found peace here from within my earlier surroundings which beckoned so much pain, angst & aching. So many questions. So many existential crises.

And today on the walk, they felt transcendentally resolved. I felt finished with them. I was there, in this same place i have been so many times before, in so many moods and i felt … peace. simply put … peace. And that release brought happiness and gratitude.

light-chasing & dark soul-work

i want to be known for my darkness as well as my light
too often people praise “the light”
and run from “the dark”

they feed each other though you see
and a perpetual striving after one
will leave you with heaps & heaps
of untouched treasure on the back burner

continual striving after light
does not bring light
sometimes going into darkness
does

the seed breaks & dies and struggles in dark & chaos and no one congratulates it. if they see it in half-form they may even toss it out. but when it is a flower
oh when it is a flower
everyone wants to be around to catch a whiff of the beauty

oh the smell, oh how soft, how exquisitely beautiful

but death is what the flower has known, death is what she has come from

and to only praise the flower for her beauty
how simple… how natural…

but am i the only one among us who has suffered?

am i the only one among us who has known the dark & so honors it

i know i am not
but where, where is everyone in the darker moments? 
in their own darker moments?

or are you too busy chasing light?
not realizing the incredible growth that darkness affords?

turn off the tv, go look at a flower & dig deep in your soul!

consumer culture would threaten to ruin the world. too many people sitting back and watching everything unfold before them and say, well, what’s to do about it? too many unlived dreams. too many untried tries & loads of us thinking about what to buy next in order to keep up the facade of being “good enough” or “in” instead of touching the world. this action effectively destroys our souls.

too many words unsaid for fear & hesitancy & not knowing “the right” thing to say. sometimes there is a right thing. sometimes we just have to say & do something. now is that time. we have to love the earth, she is our mother & she’s not really hard to love folks. she is soooo terribly beautiful it breaks me sometimes.

turn off the tv- it is feeding lies programmed from people not in our best interest. how plainly can i speak? but these things are hard to say. i’m afraid to be judged. but this is the truth that i see. how can i not say anything and let it all float by? peaceful zen yogi beyond the world? it is not all light all the time. i am in the world damnit and i care! we go into the darkness and fumble around and touch on the hidden treasures and then we are richer. where are the ones willing to do the soul-work? the hard work – of facing ourselves (shadows & brilliancies alike), communicating (saying the hard things to say), of digging really deep to get those treasures in the dark….

i am the author-ity of my life

writing til all the fear leaves my body
and i feel free to be here
to walk freely
in being me
whatever it is i want to be

why is it i never felt a right
to be in my own skin
let this be the first day of many
breathing deep
wherein i begin

as my own authority
a past coach in my dream
last night, eye looking her
in the eye & not looking down
whereas before she was able to
dictate my every move
no one holds power over me
i am the author-ity of my life

words people may share
ways people may misunderstand
i cannot revert & digress my stand
for fear of harm from another hand
i wont play it stupid
but i been hiding for too long
parts of myself that wouldn’t
go along with the throng or wondering
what so and so may think of this part of me

as if it’s not spiritual enough or i’m
outdated… but what’s funny is that
i’m here right now, and that’s all i can
ever be. i don’t care if someone else got
done with something early
and i’m just doing it now. i’m doing it now.
i am the author-ity of my life
and no one can take that from me

i stand here & let that wild raging
part of me take the stage
whereas before maybe i played it small
left to other people my fate to befall
but here i am and i stand
in my power
in my voice
in la voz
do no harm
make no pause
in living the wildest most true and fearless verson of me i can be

dominating dreamers & the caring contingent: the right to dream

today, as ini and i sat on the mound in the backyard, i realized that i felt a certain level of lack-of-rights in my life. due to upbringing & internalized assumptions & even spiritual belief-systems which i had chosen to take on at various times in my life, i didn’t feel a right to anything. as i sat there and thought about myself and heard ini reflect attributes of my character back to me i had a realization: 

i am a healing force in the world. sure, i have it within me to be chaotic or even destructive, but i don’t choose this as a manner of course. i choose my character to be one of healing, seeking to choose the wise path, chaos within healing perspective, having a wide perspective, caring & nurturing, standing up for the downtrodden without voices (whether person, vegetable, mineral, fungal, waterway, forest, animal, etc). i have been looking at my assumptions about whether or not i have a right to dream (and where a belief comes from that i don’t have a right to dream), create and enact on my dreams. whether my dreams are worthy or that i am a deserving dreamer. i have found that within there is a fear of acting on dreams, of taking a stand, of acting toward my highest callings and deep-seeded dreams. why this i (i have a few ideas) is getting more clear and with awareness it’s also becoming clearer on how to step forward out of this old-belief into greater expression, self confidence, embodiment (breathe!), and action towards dream-manifestation. yet here’s the realization:

i am not a dominator type. if anything, i’ve needed to grow boundaries for my naturally care-taking, nurturing, one-ness based empathetic character. i dream for the collective. i work with a transpersonal vision. and yet i feel a lack of entitlement to dream, to envision and to act on my dreams. while many in the world who have smaller visions which are damaging to ecosystems, indigenous peoples, and nearly totally focused on a monetary-economy feel a complete right to dream, envision and manifest their desires into reality.

this was a big one for me to piece together into such simple wording earlier. why is it that dominator culture inherently feels the right to take advantage of and even exploit other people (and ecosystems), while i question my right as a caring & respectful human being to manifest my dreams in reality? this is a laughable concept for the books!

blood root blossoms

blood root blossoms

practice seeing your life as a calling.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the bloodroot only flowers for a short time in spring, yet whenever it is found if one is to tear off a section of leaf or break a stem the curious dabbler will find bloody liquid on their skin. the bloodroot bleeds red, like us. and is so uniquely lovely. what a gift to have her in our circle of friends.