the full moon, psychic powers and letting go of my past

as i more fully step into who i am, my powers come back. as i turn the bend on another soul-cycle, i feel more integrated, more whole, more ready to further fully allow my creator-self to manifest.

Last night the super moon was just that SUPER. It hung low in the sky and was huge. My whole being felt drawn to it, magnetized, as if I was going to start floating up toward it. it was supercharging me energetically! Lately I’ve been coming to the realization that I am psychic. I’ve had this feeling for years now, but the confirmations are getting stronger, more palpable & astounding, even laughable at times! I think of friends who I haven’t thought of in ages and the next day they send me a message saying, I was thinking about you yesterday. I can also read people’s minds sometimes or I get “information” about people from near or far.

I feel hesitant to write these things, which is natural. I even feel some fear or a little scared (maybe genetic memories from the witch trials?). These gifts are not readily accepted in our society. They’re not really well-known or understood. By me even. I can’t control this power and, as of yet, I’m not even sure how I can use it as a gift. I know it gives me insights, yet I’m not sure how I can use them. I’m sure this will unfold in time. What I’d like now is to get more comfortable and familiar admitting it. Why do I choose the word admitting? Because it feels like letting some taboo cat out of the bag! I think this is for multiple reasons, some of which I’ll list below.

When I was growing up, I went to a fundamentalist Christian school, went to church, had a Christian mother, etc. I was taught a lot of stuff from the Bible about how witches are bad, magic is bad and is against God, magic is scary and you should stay away from it and that anyone who has these powers is basically a bad, evil witch who is against God and on the dark side. Now, that sounds so black and white and almost laughable! But, in summation, that’s really how my upbringing framed witches, paganism, witchcraft, psychic powers, etc.

I’ve spent the last few years getting to know the New Age community- its people, its trends, history, fashion, spirituality, healing methods, ceremonies, etc. It took a lot for me to “get over” my Christian upbringing to even let myself step foot in a pagan ceremony. Really! I remember in the beginning, I was so hesitant of it because I was taught that it was evil. It is evil to pray to any god except for the One God of Masculine Christianity. It is wrong to challenge this. It is wrong to make altars out of earth elements. It is wrong to invest yourself in New Agey stuff.  All of these “fears” I’ll call them, washed under me like a current and instilled hesitancy in me. Obviously there was something stronger in me that came from within and reached towards these experiences, but the original programming (imprinting, as one therapist called it) still lingers.

I’d like to release this! That is my intention in writing this article: I’d like to release this to live the life that I want to live, fully serving whatever god (god, goddess, spirituality, whatever) that I want to, living the life that I want to, being the person I want to be. My mom is a very heartfelt and strict Christian and I think this is a remaining thread I have yet to totally let go of. Because she openly disapproves of and says she is afraid of my path. That if I have pagan symbols or deer skulls, etc in my house, she won’t be able to visit. This hurts me and I am bothered that my mom has such a negative feeling toward my choices in life. Especially when they are choices that come so naturally for me.

I think this is also why I have hesitancy in admitting or fully stepping into the psychic powers that are starting to come through me. I am working on creating safe space for myself in it, because honestly it can be pretty scary when I start feeling them come in full-blast, like they did last night in the light of the full moon. I can feel a strong energy in my crown chakra and I start receiving all this information. I’m becoming more “okay” with this realization that this does happen to me. I think more acceptance will come with time and experience. For now, I am working on centering and grounding myself, creating a safe space around myself that only allows unconditional love, and really listening to what I hear, listening with the eyes of my heart and soul. I was so inspired last night to pay closer attention to these happenings after I read an interview by an amazing dancer who is also psychic (thank you spirit guides for orchestrating that 🙂 ).

This quote by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes encourages me to frame and claim this transition from “survivorship” (from Fundamentalist Christianity & judgmental imprinting) to one of thriving and naming myself,

“Being able to say that one is a survivor is an accomplishment. For many, the power is in the name itself. And yet comes a time in the individuation process when the threat or trauma is significantly past. Then is the time to go to the next stage after survivorship, to healing and thriving. … One can take so much pride in being a survivor that it becomes a hazard to further creative development. … Once the threat is past, there is a potential trap in calling ourselves by names taken on during the most terrible time of our lives. It creates a mind-set that is potentially limiting. It is not good to base the soul identity solely on the feats and losses and victories of the bad times.” 

 

All in all, I feel deeply (on a soul level) excited about these powers that are coming up for me. I have laid many times beneath a full moon and known that these powers will come in stronger one day. I have been told by numerous healers and people who are psychic that my gifts will just get stronger as I heal myself and grow up. This is exciting! My intention is to use them for healing, for beauty, for joy, truth & love. 

 

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July 2014 Full Super Moon Release Prayer

Let the things just drip away
Take the things you need to stay
and let the rest all fall today

Like drops of rain from the sky
Let them fall, you will not die
Instead, sweet release you will find

So let go of what you no longer need
Bit by bit they will gain speed
Downward toward the cleaning floor
They will not hold you anymore

For you must live, my dear
You must fly, my darling

You are a free spirit & life is calling!

This Full Moon, Super duper Moon
feel your grand essence take the stage
Let the masks all drop & fade
Let your self arise from within
There’s no better time to begin

Drop drop droplet mask
Of you I ask no other task
Fall fall falling face
Of unclear truth & lies & hate

What’s left is what remains was always there
it’s your own shining soul that you must bare
for yourself to see; for one and all
It’s your own grand soul that will not fall

So release, release and fear no loss!

If all else is released from grasp
All save your soul will fall & fast
Yet the soul remains, the bright lasting thing
When all else falls, it is cleaned

kelp in my stew, ocean memories, too

i smell the kelp as i prepare the big pot of lentils. i love to make dal, the traditional indian dish. i make good dal, people say. to me, it’s better than the stuff i find at indian restaurants. turmeric, cumin, curry, oregano, bay leaf, salt, pepper, and today, kelp, are the spices i add into this hearty nourishing tonic of a meal.

i smell the jar of kelp powder we bought from mountain rose herbs. it smells like the ocean and i am brought back to this time last year, living on the coastal waters of maine a stone’s throw from the penobscot bay. last year i was getting over a fear of the ocean. i have no fear of water; i love to swim & do so buoyantly. but the ocean, that terrifying, powerful, uncertain, unfamiliar world – i have harbored a fear of the ocean since childhood, ever since my dad stepped on a shark when we were in the pacific’s summer beach waters off the coast of california. my dad stepped on a little shark, i was on his back. he grew up in california and laughed it off, but i was terrified. my dad stepped on a shark. there are sharks in these waters. i am going to get bit- my leg will probably get bitten off.

greened summer bay from the shore

greened summer bay from the shore

and so the deep-seated fear set in me, creating an irrational unstoppable bodily-emotional reaction near the ocean. now this hasn’t stopped me from kayaking with sharks, scuba diving with barracudas, rays and sharks, and swimming in the ocean. but i only go so far when i am in the water: at first sign of a large fish or unclear waters, i panic. it takes a concerted effort for me to slow my breathing and remain calm in such instances because my first reaction is to jump out of the water, propelled skyward like a rocket.

with this in mind, i brought my wetsuit to maine. i had my 5 fingers shoes i use for running to wear so i could wade into the waters easily from the pebble-bottomed bay and not get scared at something slimy or moving underfoot that i might encounter on my way out. for days, i walked from my house to the ocean, a mere 100 yards. i circumnavigated the bay. i climbed and sat on rocks, meditating and watching the gorgeous sunsets, dancing in the clear light and amazing ocean air. i collected bladderwrack, a prominent seaweed left in the bay as the waters recede and dried it from the cross-beam in my room. i watched the ocean & waited for spring to pass so i could jump into its cold waters.

water from bay-level

water from bay-level

 

outward bound boat coming into dock in our bay

outward bound boat coming into dock in our bay

the ocean, some say, is our primordial home. i know this as i smell the kelp. i feel warm & held by my mother, my Great Mother, the earth, and her womb, the ocean. I feel a lifetime of creatures surround me and tell me, we’re your kin! the ocean is your home, and i know this is true. i remember this first womb of my ancestors and i feel nourished- nourished down to my cells which mirror this ocean womb in salinity and form.

that summer i jumped in the ocean time after time, mostly alone. i read accounts of the house’s previous inhabitants lying on their backs in the bay, giggling and uproarious, as sea otters do. i made friends with brother seal one afternoon and i felt so especially singled out, as if a great gift had been given to me, that this wild sea creature would take part of his day to look at me and exchange information. and i did “get over” or at least confront my fear of the ocean and its sharks & creatures of the dark who can swim faster than i, are longer in tooth and more skillful in pulling me under than i am of swimming away.

sunset from my window

sunset from my window

i swam four hours one day after running to one section of the bay and swimming the long trek around the bend back to my cove. i had panics at times during the swim, and honestly the way i made peace with them was by making peace with death. rationally i know my fear of sharks may be overstated, so i calm myself by saying, it’s unlikely you’ll get eaten. i convince myself to swim by saying, this swim, if i die in this swim, was was worth it. i can’t hide myself away under a log in order to live forever- i must do the things i want to do, even if i am afraid!

and i felt empowered through this experience and strengthened in this process. for the ocean is a metaphor for life and the womb is the symbolic and literal nest from which this life is birthed. over and over; again and again. it is that primordial stew from which we are all birthed. and, though i may have fears founded & unfounded, i must keep living, exploring & at times keening this great song of balance as long as i live.

witches’ medicine & the allopathic brotherhood

herstory .. how did medical profession get to be the way it is nowadays. 

last night i was doing research & came across the most ugly MDs with nary an open vesicle in their minds for other methods of training or healing. as a culture, we know the history very well. for those of us raised in the church, we know the fear of witches & irrational magic very well. 

i first read this little book (posted below) by Barbara Ehrenreich back in college. as i stumbled on these ugly champions of science last night (if you want the link, it is here: http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/naturopathic-medicine-week-2013/), i have to wonder: why the hateful vigilance, the namecalling, the horrible closemindedness & shutting down?…

mainstream medicine dominates the cultural consciousness. if someone says I’m going to the doctor; most will think of an MD. and why, with this suppressed herstory uncovered, we can understand more of the path we’ve culturally taken to get where we are today. 

but there is a need for change. most are dissatisfied with the medical profession in some way. i am not bashing it totally; certainly it has its life-saving tendencies as well! but for prevention-based medicine; healing instead of fixing or taking the magic pill cure (with all of its side effects), the current medical paradigm is a long way off. 

i have just begun to connect the dots, really. as i look at the options to join an existing body of health practitioners (like the NDs), be an herbalist or have some other self-created offering, i see how psychically everything is controlled by the mainstream media influence. i see this as something to understand and to face instead of cowering or throwing in the towel. but i have to understand it better to be able to stand against it. because it has a plan; it’s been here for a while and it has “won” over the years through shaming others who would try to practice, causing fear in the populace and creating a “god” out of science. 

i have laid in crystal beds that did me more good than anything else at the time- this isn’t scientifically proven yet, but i don’t need a study to tell me what i feel. i take herbs for rejuvenation, prevention and to supplement by body in specific ways. i do not want to take a pill every day of my life for my hormone imbalance, and i’m still trying to find a natural remedy that works for this. the mainstream medicine needs to open its head and its heart (great article on how this is happening:http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/09/18/medicines-search-for-meaning/?_r=0). the customers, in the end, will determine which ways the industry flows. and, based on the current flow, we can see the NDs, holistic medicine, alternative healthcare practitioners, etc are on the rise. people are looking for alternatives to the game of allopathic medicine. they are looking to truly heal, to be cared for, heard and given a multitude of options without tons of side effects. that’s good news. 

here’s more of herstory!

overview of the book:
https://www.marxists.org/subject/women/authors/ehrenreich-barbara/witches.htm

great pdf collection, including the book & others: 
http://muse.jhu.edu/books/9781558616905

Healing Prayer for our World

my lover & i were sitting outside this morning. before that i sat in the garden by myself a bit. it was so lovely, after a night of intense firework displays (i wore ear plugs the entire time, amazed at the war-like quality of our celebration; a nation founded on war, no?), to sit in _space_, reflecting on the thoughts and attendant feelings that came & went. i feel fully in my life in this time of transition. at other times a feeling of i should do this or that comes upon me. i feel pulled places. this morning i knew i was centered and knew that the thoughts i was thinking, the space i was in (literally) was exactly where i needed to be. the thoughts and feelings i was having were absolutely the thoughts & feelings i needed to guide and direct me on my course. such self-trust! i am thankful for moments like this that feel like a break in the clouds.

as my lover and i were sitting after doing some yoga in the sweetly penetrating morning sun, we started talking about healing as we’ve both been focusing lately on understanding our paths and work in relation healing in this lifetime. he brought up the two greek figures, the two divinities, hygenia and asclepius, who have greatly influenced the foundations of our current medicines. he got this from andrew weil’s book Spontaneous Healing. hygenia represents the innate natural healing that happens from within. she is prevention and cleanliness; she is the daily taking care. she is utilizing and honoring our body/soul/spirit natural bent toward healing. she is utilizing the forces within to heal themselves, to tap into that to carry on the healing process from within to without. asclepius, the greek god who holds the staff, is the foundation of our western medicine: treatment after something has already gone on, external remedy for “fixing” what ails you. the two go hand in hand, and sometimes one is needed more than the other. and just as it should be; they keep each other balanced. but, as is so often the case, sometimes systems of complementary forces get out of balance and our culture has nearly forgotten the hygenia system of healing in place of the “get sick and we’ll fix it later”, very scientific and research-based system of allopathic medicine. hardly preventative in training, doctors from this tradition are taught emergency medicine, medicine of the pill which can cure anything, surely, devised and researched upon in labs and on people all over the world– side effects may vary.

this came out this morning because i was asking for some feedback from ini. he said, you focus on therapy which creates space for other people’s process and allows them to come to their own healing. being with you is inherently therapeutic. it’s an inherent gift that you have to bring natural healing up from the depths within other people, manifested outwardly.  i was really touched by ini’s words, and he and others have said variations of them before. encouragement toward who i inherently am so strengthens those inherent gifts. it’s such a gift that he gives me in reflecting back to me my inherent gifts! it strengthens them and helps me clarify them, so i know better how i touch others and how i offer that. it helps me know better how i serve and, in doing that, i can better approach situations.

it also teaches me that if i am inherently placed with this gift there is nothing that i need to “do” per-say. i already am that. (and what i already am is actually such a beautiful surprise and gift to myself and i naturally love to share that! – does that make sense?) it’s in stark contrast to the “outside culture” which challenges me and us to “go, be, do”, “challenge”, “get better”, “be more; be better” coming from a place of lack, of improvement of, you weren’t good enough from the beginning- make something of yourself! this way says, you are already “good enough”, in fact you have a ton of gifts to offer that already exist inside you- the fun part of the work is uncovering & developing those gifts and learning how to share them. what fun!

i feel thankful that i am getting a glimpse of this relaxing into my inherent nature which is a gift to myself and my world. it’s such a gift to me to relax into my being just as i am and find that it is not only good enough- it is great! and more than enough to help myself my world, which is exactly what i want to do.

it reminds me of an article i read yesterday by Roslyne Sophia Breillat © 2008 (emphasis mine) (read whole article here):

It is important for her to learn that her body and her life are not something to be” fixed” or “improved.” These intellectual male strategies will not serve her precious healing. She does not need to be told that she must heal within a certain time or as others think she should heal. This will only diminish her power, dishonour her wisdom and weaken her strength.

It is important for her to stay away from those who advise her with words and phrases such as “must,” “should,” “can,” “can’t,” “have to.” For she is ever so slowly and ever so gently learning the sacred arts and sacred acts of surrender and acceptance. True healing arises from the vast mystery of a timeless place, as true love arises from the vast mystery of a timeless place. It has no agenda, no structure, no fixture, no demands. 

If healing is to happen, it will happen gently and sweetly and powerfully in alignment with love, with inner stillness, with the innate intelligence of the body. It will happen with the natural flow of Mother Earth and her affinity with the feminine psyche. She will gradually find treasure within. She will slowly awaken to her true nature. She will find the wondrous gift of giving to herself, her being, her spirit. And love, joy and vitality will again flow through her veins. 

She will learn to live in the world, but not of it. She will learn to connect with and give to others from a right place within, a very real place. She will give of herself, of her being, but only when she is also giving to herself. She will give of her essence as she has never given before. 

And there will be no force, no momentum, no shoulds, no shouldn’ts in her gift of giving. As her body heals she will learn not to do anything that depletes her precious energy resources, her precious strength. She will learn to avoid anyone who drains her life force through psychically feeding upon her power. 

 

What a powerful quote! The whole article is worth a read. I think after reading this yesterday it set some deep ancient thing further in motion in me. I felt as though I had not only heart the words, but they had somehow become a part of my cells and started reproducing and breathing the ethos of this into existence. I started to live what I read without any effort. What magic! Much Gratitude!

May all people of all genders & sexes feel this freedom to be themselves and arise from within themselves to have space to share their unique gifts and talents in further healing. That’s my prayer for our world!

a few things birth days mean to me

how do i celebrate my birthday? you’d like to know, wouldn’t you, daily press? often, daily press, often & well!

for starters, my birth day celebration isn’t just one day a year. i celebrate it all the time! being grateful for being here is not only relegated to my actual day of birth.

i believe our birth days are special days for our souls (many traditions believe similarly, look at astrology, for example). this year my grandmother died on my birthday. i was surprised that she chose to do that. she had a stroke maybe 14 years prior and lived in a declined state, her mind basically “gone”- not able to take care of herself for all those years after that. i felt her leaving on my birthday was symbolic of a transference of strength that she gave me. to me, it was her sayin, “wren, go on & live your life on top of my life. i gift you with my life & experience. my soul is moving on now, thank you for helping me to do so more clearly.” (you see, i’d lived with her for the past year or so & prayed for her soul to find peace & healing – i believe she has.)

actual birth days can be sad if you’re alone on your birth day. i had one of those last year. i was travelin’ and wound up alone on my birthday. some friends i was staying with that day took me out for a sweet indian meal (one of my favorite classes of food! mmmm spices, mmm nan paneer!!!!) & it was really sweet of them, but i missed my beloved who joined me a few days later & i acutely felt the absence of having a birthday party that is attended by many close friends – that is when i felt one negative aspect of my traveler’s lifestyle!

but, as i said, i tend to celebrate my being here more than just one day a year. every time i see my birth numbers on a clock (which is often), i celebrate and feel a special whiz, i feel a special power & energy coming from those numbers. i am born on the 13th, you see, and 13 is a witchin’ number, that’s right. it is the power of the divine feminine making its way back through all of our forms! i celebrate this coming in from within my form and my very day of birth is a great reminder of this.

birth days birth daze every day a birth day! rebirth home birth stay birth full of mirth! we’re glad you’re here! you’re one in 7 billion! you’re unique, just like every else! we’re happy you’re here to share yourself! so laugh & cry, it’s all okay, you’re here, you’re here and today is your day! 

storms & the witches who love them

For the past few days I have awoken to the thickest, wettest air imaginable. Usually air is a thing that can go unnoticed – unless it is moving irregularly fast, if it smells, or if it is very, very wet.

The days have started out with wet & thick air. I walk outside & my hair surprisingly perks up with sweet little curls I’ve never had before falling out of my braid, cradling my face. My skin feels damp & sticky, even when I’m not moving around a lot. And I remember what droplets of sweat are like – behind the knees, between my breasts, in the inside of my elbow. When I play tennis, the sweat from my body joins the sweat in the air & I feel like I am swimming. I am a fish hitting a ball with my fins aggressively across a net. Somehow the ball maintains its sense of gravity in all of this water.

But the afternoons, and they have been all the same as well, these are my favorite. For in the afternoons, the sky turns from grayish light blue dotted with translucent puffy clouds to a dark churning pot of swirling grey & black. The air loses some of its water & starts to move quickly making a lot of noise in the trees. Clouds are moving fast now and everything starts to feel eery, as if preparing for something grand & monumental.

Suddenly the sky cracks. Streams of light go racing through the sky, at times whipping the earth below. Winds are picking up & rains start to pelt the earth. The air is moving very fast around me now and the sky is a spiraling mess. This is a summer storm and it is one of my favorite types of weather.

When the winds pick up, trees make such peculiarly satisfying sounds as it moves through their leaves. As light pours forth sprinkling the earth & the sky drops in chunks of wetness, clouds applaud in claps & stomps. When I am in the midst of a storm, I feel complete & happy, never afraid. If I was longing before the storm, I am quickly sated, like a baby at the tit. My senses dance around as they take it all in. I am in wonder & awe at the power unleashed within moments playing in fields as light drips into trees & booms and rumbles shake the ground I stand on. I feel so connected in these moments. My affinity for storms is oftentimes greater than for times of calm. Perhaps I am akin to a witch of old, tying knots in rope or in my hair to influence their coming & going.

Storms comfort me; through the loss of control, the wild display of power, I feel at safe & at home.