thoughts on our collective evolution

Humankind as a whole is in a huge mess right now.

We’re out of step with the place we live.

We need to make major changes in the way we do business. We’ve heard, even scientifically proven now, that global warming is real and human influenced, yet why isn’t our behavior changing in the face of these necessary shifts?

Think of human kind like a great organism. It’s impersonal; it moves around based on the mass of its thoughts. In this way it’s like a well run riverbed. The mass of human thoughts dictate the direction of the rut that is formed. It’s impersonal. This is what we call the mainstream and in the past, it has taken about 30-40 years to incorporate the leading edge. An organism this big takes time to change its course- imagine rerouting the mighty Colorado river, for example- it would take a lot of energy to shift the inertia.

Yet all of the signs point to _We must change if there is going to be the continuance of human life on this planet_. We are not living in step with our environment and we may be thrown off the back of momma earth like so many fleas on a shrugging gorilla.

A lot of this has to do with our current religious paradigms which perceive humankind as “something other than or above the earth”- when in reality we are highly evolved self reflective consciousnesses of the earth itself. We are the earth- thinking in our human way. No separation there- think of human beings as the earth arms thinking and feeling and observing, reflecting on what is. Our body a hologram of what is around us (patterns of streams in our blood).

Media, the Internet, books, television all play a part in deciding where that collective consciousness goes. Yet there’s a small voice inside of us which leads us toward evolution. It’s the voice of the intuition, the instinct, perhaps the “voice of god or goddess” to some. This voice and our emotional feedback loops (pain, happiness, fulfillment, alignment) all lead us forward.

Entheogens (literally within-god; plant medicines like psychedelic cacti, leaves, roots and fungi) have been an extraordinarily important part of my path now, as well as being and sleeping outside. Any contact with nature is good. Eating nature in the form of the entheogen and taking its consciousness on for a time is a very fast and efficient path toward evolution. These open doors and can perhaps expedite or illuminate our evolving paths. But be careful, you may be pushed to start exceedingly more and more thinking for yourself after these experiences. It may not be as easy to fit into the mainstream after these awakenings. This can feel dangerous and perhaps it is, to the status quo, external and propped up within our internalized paradigms.

While culture, the collective mind would have you be stuck in stasis, in the flow of survival and the current “way things are”- its incredibly important that you listen to your own voice stream now. That’s how we shift and evolve.

The outliers must lead. They must use the media sources and Internet especially so that many people can catch wind of the hints of evolution. In this way, perhaps the main stream can shift in 10-20 years instead of taking the 30-40 it took before. If it is evolution, people will feel a resonance. The right people are looking for these words for it is our biological and holistically encrypted imperative to evolve, to take part in the evolvement of our species.

a softening

Among the people you’ve known for a long time, who is the person who’s changed the most over the years? Was the change for the better?

people at my age just dig in further. they get more intense in a certain thing, like entrenched, which sounds terrible.

so i’d have to say it’s either you or your sister.

she goes on to talk about my sister. and her softening.

i was really saddened by her harshness. i didn’t want her to turn into this bitter person who was so controlling. cuz she’s a worrier, she really is.

i’m so glad to see her soften.

how do you think she softened?

her relationship with her husband. 


 

i asked my mom this question, as she was sitting here near me on this saturday morning, and i didn’t really have anyone come into my mind. my sister was a feisty child. at around age 8 she had a life threatening asthma attack. she almost died & was in intensive care for 2 weeks. my parents were there around the clock. people everywhere were praying for her. my family still gets emotional when it gets brought up. after that, my sister changed from a soft spoken yet strong willed princess to a sick child. she started to take tons of medicine all of the time. this defined her, as did her constant headaches & other ouchies that only grew with the years. it continued this way until she got into college and met the person she ultimately married. as my mom said, this softened her. she’s more willing to step out into the unknown with her partner. sometimes relationships can do that for people; create a sense of safety that allows them to step outside of their boxes of fear and perhaps bitterness. i’m glad to see my sister more willing to hike, play outside, explore in caves again. for so many years, the sicknesses defined her and kept her cloistered.


 

Also, in celebration of my 200th post, I’m doing 15 Days of Writing Prompts from Natalie Goldberg’s Writing Down the Bones. Join me and others for Day 2: found here. 

the full moon, psychic powers and letting go of my past

as i more fully step into who i am, my powers come back. as i turn the bend on another soul-cycle, i feel more integrated, more whole, more ready to further fully allow my creator-self to manifest.

Last night the super moon was just that SUPER. It hung low in the sky and was huge. My whole being felt drawn to it, magnetized, as if I was going to start floating up toward it. it was supercharging me energetically! Lately I’ve been coming to the realization that I am psychic. I’ve had this feeling for years now, but the confirmations are getting stronger, more palpable & astounding, even laughable at times! I think of friends who I haven’t thought of in ages and the next day they send me a message saying, I was thinking about you yesterday. I can also read people’s minds sometimes or I get “information” about people from near or far.

I feel hesitant to write these things, which is natural. I even feel some fear or a little scared (maybe genetic memories from the witch trials?). These gifts are not readily accepted in our society. They’re not really well-known or understood. By me even. I can’t control this power and, as of yet, I’m not even sure how I can use it as a gift. I know it gives me insights, yet I’m not sure how I can use them. I’m sure this will unfold in time. What I’d like now is to get more comfortable and familiar admitting it. Why do I choose the word admitting? Because it feels like letting some taboo cat out of the bag! I think this is for multiple reasons, some of which I’ll list below.

When I was growing up, I went to a fundamentalist Christian school, went to church, had a Christian mother, etc. I was taught a lot of stuff from the Bible about how witches are bad, magic is bad and is against God, magic is scary and you should stay away from it and that anyone who has these powers is basically a bad, evil witch who is against God and on the dark side. Now, that sounds so black and white and almost laughable! But, in summation, that’s really how my upbringing framed witches, paganism, witchcraft, psychic powers, etc.

I’ve spent the last few years getting to know the New Age community- its people, its trends, history, fashion, spirituality, healing methods, ceremonies, etc. It took a lot for me to “get over” my Christian upbringing to even let myself step foot in a pagan ceremony. Really! I remember in the beginning, I was so hesitant of it because I was taught that it was evil. It is evil to pray to any god except for the One God of Masculine Christianity. It is wrong to challenge this. It is wrong to make altars out of earth elements. It is wrong to invest yourself in New Agey stuff.  All of these “fears” I’ll call them, washed under me like a current and instilled hesitancy in me. Obviously there was something stronger in me that came from within and reached towards these experiences, but the original programming (imprinting, as one therapist called it) still lingers.

I’d like to release this! That is my intention in writing this article: I’d like to release this to live the life that I want to live, fully serving whatever god (god, goddess, spirituality, whatever) that I want to, living the life that I want to, being the person I want to be. My mom is a very heartfelt and strict Christian and I think this is a remaining thread I have yet to totally let go of. Because she openly disapproves of and says she is afraid of my path. That if I have pagan symbols or deer skulls, etc in my house, she won’t be able to visit. This hurts me and I am bothered that my mom has such a negative feeling toward my choices in life. Especially when they are choices that come so naturally for me.

I think this is also why I have hesitancy in admitting or fully stepping into the psychic powers that are starting to come through me. I am working on creating safe space for myself in it, because honestly it can be pretty scary when I start feeling them come in full-blast, like they did last night in the light of the full moon. I can feel a strong energy in my crown chakra and I start receiving all this information. I’m becoming more “okay” with this realization that this does happen to me. I think more acceptance will come with time and experience. For now, I am working on centering and grounding myself, creating a safe space around myself that only allows unconditional love, and really listening to what I hear, listening with the eyes of my heart and soul. I was so inspired last night to pay closer attention to these happenings after I read an interview by an amazing dancer who is also psychic (thank you spirit guides for orchestrating that 🙂 ).

This quote by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes encourages me to frame and claim this transition from “survivorship” (from Fundamentalist Christianity & judgmental imprinting) to one of thriving and naming myself,

“Being able to say that one is a survivor is an accomplishment. For many, the power is in the name itself. And yet comes a time in the individuation process when the threat or trauma is significantly past. Then is the time to go to the next stage after survivorship, to healing and thriving. … One can take so much pride in being a survivor that it becomes a hazard to further creative development. … Once the threat is past, there is a potential trap in calling ourselves by names taken on during the most terrible time of our lives. It creates a mind-set that is potentially limiting. It is not good to base the soul identity solely on the feats and losses and victories of the bad times.” 

 

All in all, I feel deeply (on a soul level) excited about these powers that are coming up for me. I have laid many times beneath a full moon and known that these powers will come in stronger one day. I have been told by numerous healers and people who are psychic that my gifts will just get stronger as I heal myself and grow up. This is exciting! My intention is to use them for healing, for beauty, for joy, truth & love. 

 

a seed planted birthing surprising factors

What do you find more unbearable: watching a video of yourself, or listening to a recording of your voice? Why?

He was doing an experiment. At that age, I’d only seen “crazy professor” types like him in movies and on tv. But here he was, enjoying a revelry at our mountain retreat center. Wild white hair standing on end and all. Pants pulled up high and shirt tucked in and all. He was the mad professor of the mountain and he had some questions for us.

He’d corner us in the dining hall with a tape player in hand. There was something calming about his presence in his quirkiness, something that met the quirkiness in me, the two canceling each other out lending us both some peace for a time. My one friend, Que loved him. She was boisterous and loud, always telling stories. I liked to listen to him, taking in the crazy machinations of his mind. 

He carried the tape player so that he could record us. Hanging out in high density areas, he was doing an experiment, he said. I want to know how many of you hate the sound of your own voice. At the time Que was the only one at the mountain retreat who purred with glee as the resonance of her own vocal chords played back into her ears. The rest of us fed into his story: hardly anyone likes to hear their own voice. 

Since he did that experiment on us all those years ago, I’ve thought about his story, that rarely anyone can stand to hear their own voice. I’ve made it a point to love myself and, in that, to accept my voice played back at me. Now I sing to myself, at bus stops, near streams in mountains, when I’m lulling around the backyard. I can sufficiently say, I love the sound of my own voice

 

a fresh wind moves in: letting go of the angst

Today as i walked the loop by my parent’s house it was palpably a different experience for me. We moved into this house from a fish-bowl neighborhood, where everyone is competing with each other & can literally see into each other’s homes to know what they’re competing on. One of my friends growing up – her dad was a basketball star on our state’s NBA team & i used to play in the lake, others were my wild soccer team members (lots of stories to share about that!), and others were children with lame mothers who didn’t enjoy it when i would invite their daughters to play in the ice with me- so what if our feet got caught as we tromped around the icy stream beds? we were on an adventure! but i digress..

We moved here and it was spacious & surrounded by farm fields and the occasional farm house (which pretty soon got torn down as little box neighborhoods, as i call them, were popping up in their place). Good bye corn & soybeans, Hello plastic siding & same-looking boxes with same landscaping for people to live in! Everyone gets their little mortgaged square of bland, colorless earth around here. At the time, i was a very active young one – playing sports in every season, hanging out with friends, making out with my boyfriends in the basement. It was a time i look back on as being so outwardly-focused. But sometimes in my room, especially at night, i would feel this hungering ache. I would write poetry to my boyfriends or write in my journal to God. I read Edna St Vincent Millay. I wondered what it would be like to live an artist’s life and i hungered. It was a hungering ache i didn’t understand & it made me feel very very alone & misunderstood. While on the outside, perhaps everyone would’ve said, well, that girl had such a great, well-liked high school situation – and, in so many ways they were right – but there was so much uncharted territory, so much of myself, left unaddressed and, well, neglected. The plastic siding & homogeneity only made it worse.

They tore down the farmhouse i could see from my bedroom window – and the one across the street too, where my sister & i would dare one another to sneak into the old, falling-apart, creaky barn & where i got the then-wild asparagus & transplanted it into the garden. The neighborhood seemed to magnify this ache that i had. The homogeneity was excruciatingly painful. I saw it as a place with no character. Without soul. Filled with slaves disguised as people who take out mortgages & listen to everything the local news says. A place where people live in fear & do not think for themselves.

My inner life was relatively untapped while in high school. My inner learnings were to unleash themselves/i was to open up a few years later as i faced certain struggles like death, injury, desire & ways of life different than the ones i’d known growing up. Since this homogenous neighborhood experience & many seekings of character, art, ingenuity, individuality & ram-shackledness later, i am pleasantly surprised today as i go on an evening walk and feel peace as i look around at the surroundings, the plastic siding, the boxes, the manicured lawns.

Suddenly, my judgment or perspective of the place was not holding me back from enjoying my little moment in nature, my walk on the concrete loop in the subdivision’s flood plane turned into nature trail (i’m sure you’ve seen one of these places – a little forest, prairie, wetland nook in an area unbuildable for homes within a subdivision). The prevalence of non-native, “invasive” species didn’t bother me. The cotton woods were beautiful, as were the red-breasted black birds and the shrubby legumes were so prevalent & taking back that landscape, fixing nitrogen into it, so well! The sky had just rained & big grey billowing clouds were still turning above me. I felt like a witch as i harmonized with my surroundings, taking step by step, recollecting & embodying the walking meditation i had taken part in the week before at the prison meditation. Perhaps it was seeing some of the horrible natural devastation in Peru just a few months prior that gave me this perspective. The clear-cutting of the amazingly diverse amazonian rainforests into vast deserted land. The pollution near rivers & in cities. Perhaps it was this perspective which more easily allowed me to “let-go” of my previous hold on hating & judging & disdaining this young adult habitat of mine. Perhaps there’s something in this week’s astrology (I think so), which eased this transition for me. Or perhaps, this wound has finally dislodged in a deeper way within me & i have found peace here from within my earlier surroundings which beckoned so much pain, angst & aching. So many questions. So many existential crises.

And today on the walk, they felt transcendentally resolved. I felt finished with them. I was there, in this same place i have been so many times before, in so many moods and i felt … peace. simply put … peace. And that release brought happiness and gratitude.

with a whistle & a song, living our dreams; send-off message

we are heading out tomorrow. we have all of the paperwork printed off & signed to get ini’s permanent residency into the country (he is from Canada). truly, it feels as though a chapter is closing in this journey i call my life. like i came here to live perhaps many different layers of life- to live many different lives, really. and, as we have been here at my parent’s house amply preparing, organizing, releasing so much, i feel it is time to let go of the chains, reigns, handles… of past lives … and begin the next chapter. this is a big step!

that will be taken each step at a time. but this clearing out i am doing is more than just a move on the surface – it is a step into a new life. and that means letting go of old ones. so, with all that i am, i release these attachments to old parts of self reflected inner/outer … i’ve done this before … in modicums … and now, again, larger.

yet this time, i am not wandering. i am intentional. haha, this is a big difference! haha!!!! before, i jumped off of the familiar ground from which i walked as a child –> adolescence –> young adulthood … i had things to leave – in response to. now, i am not-so-much leaving in response to, but from this deep well from inside of me. this deep well of dreams, visions, belief and hope.

my dreams propel me. they feed me. it is said of a visionary that they are successful, or the way being a visionary works, is to have a vision & believe in it so fully that it becomes real, it manifests. this is why i leave this time. last time i was the fool in the way that i left “the known” for “the unknown” with nothing in mind. i was searching, a seeker. i needed to see the world. to test if “the way things were” in the way i was raised, is truly “all-that-is.” or was my hunch true that the world is not a scary place, that people can be trusted, that it is okay to believe in my dreams…? i was truly wandering “to see all that i could see.” this was met with varying responses- but surely i learned that the world is so good (if not that many are a bit lost as well and that there are dark caverns of human ugliness). that people are generally “doing the best they can where they are.” i learned that this is true.

one time a leader at an ecovillage i visited called me out in saying, “i’m not wandering around exploring; i know what i came here to do.” it hit me a bit harsh at the time, but i see that i am coming more into that stance as well. perhaps she was in her 30s or 40s before she really started manifesting her vision. but age doesn’t matter. i do know, however, that where i am now- i am not exploring anymore (in the way that i was- i will always be an explorer!). i have a firm resolve inside toward what i feel i need to do/came here to do. i am certain it will shift over time; that it will grow, become more complex, more simple, more refined, etc- this is necessary for evolution.

the truth is that i see enough of my vision, solidly enough, that it is time to live from within it. it is time again to cast the nets from the side, pick up my journeyman sack, cast caution to the wind and become the fool again. she who starts on her journey with an open mind. this time, however, i hold many more treasures inside. and intention.

we are going to homestead. we are looking for land. we have so many ideas and a complexly simple plan. it’s all very clear, except when it’s not… but that can’t stop us from waiting another day to fully invest in the visions we’ve got. it’s time, it’s time, ho one and all. it’s time it is time, we will not stall. so give a whoop if you feel me and feel your own courage grow … we must lives our dreams and trust me, it will show!

we are currently in indiana and are heading south… to the appalachian region of western north carolina, eastern tenn, n/w s. carolina and northeastern georgia. we will focus on creating garden beds this year. building a simple straw bale house. focusing on water- for ourselves, for tea, for animals, for crops, for bathing… rainwater, greywater, mountain fresh stream, possibly a pond or a lake. composting toilet. food forests. permaculture gardens. multiple green/hoop houses. perennials. starting a nursery business. we wish to find people to collaborate with, but not form an ecovillage where we have to meet every week and have such tight community standards. more like, one neighbor grows this crop, we grow another, etc & complement each other. we have potlucks and share saunas. this neighbor has a tractor, we have knowledge about building great compost, etc, we share itThis is where we are: dreaming of these things and stepping off fully confident that, if the dream is meant to be in the big scope of things, it will happen.

with love in our hearts, bells on our toes, whistling songs of hope & resilience all day long. hand in hand with the land and each other we stand. ❤ wren