Step 1: unboxing my sexuality

i really want to write about my sexuality. that it is unique to me, though many surely feel similarly. i want to write about how it has changed– expanded– through the years, surprising me, and also bringing on the discouragement of my mother and non-acceptance of some. i like men & women. i like people who don’t fit into those two categories. i like people for the spirit inside of them. i don’t have a word for this & i don’t choose one. i do not choose to fit into the box of bisexual because i’m not bisexual, only liking the binary sex choices. i’ve heard of pansexual, being attracted to basically everyone- yet i’m not attracted to everyone- i’m attracted to very specific people for who they are. there are so many boxes to fit into, but you see there isn’t really a box i want to jump into- even if i get to make a cardboard house out of it like i did as a child.

i like people for the spirit inside of them. it depends on the chemical dynamics between us, a certain pull of body-mind-spirit (it’s rare that i am attracted to someone for physical chemistry alone). there is sexual attraction that sometimes can be felt like palpable sparks, there is a slow burn, there is the nearly-asexual attraction to another that i believe is deeply about the spirit. for many years, i had an amped sex-drive (which has relaxed considerably since i’m in a stable relationship!). i coupled with a lot of people, masturbated a ton, sought out romances, explored & adventured in the realm of my sexuality. i even wrote a book about some of these, specifically about experiences with spirits with female bodies (how special are women!?).

i feel like certain individuals complement & spur me on in growth in different ways. in recent years, before i got deep in partnership with ini, i thought i may be in a lesbian relationship for many years of my life. i felt pulled to being in deep relationship with a woman. i’m still open to this happening and ini and i are decidedly open in this respect of our partnership. you see, there’s just so much lovin’ to come from wren. there is so much connection to go around, so much to receive & to allow. i feel as though being open to more than one main relationship in my life adds to my life. in the years of great exploration, i didn’t really commit to anyone for long. it was in this time that i learned the incredible variety of connective experience and the way it complicates & adds to life. that oftentimes having limited ideas about what it means to be relationship- having tight boundaries or cutting off possibility to be sexually or emotionally intimate with other people- removes us off from the possibility of growth, enjoyment & enrichment. certainly it adds complexity, which is why communication is so important, but, if done with proper boundary-making & communication, i believe it can enhance, inform & add to life.

why do i feel the need to say this? again, people like to box people into neat, tidy, little boxes – i think it’s the way part of our brain is wired, anyway, to categorize things. i’m not quite sure why i feel the need to say this, but i do. i want to write my personal narrative to make space, for myself and others. to declare & share. if the collective consciousness, mainstream consciousness, most people-whatever! has an idea about what it looks like to grow up, fit into a box, to do x, y, z in the right amount of time- i want to share my story and say that i’m not doing it that way- look over here; there are infinite possibilities and no need to fit into anyone’s box. i am the author-ity of my life.

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5 thoughts on “Step 1: unboxing my sexuality

  1. Beautifully said Wren. I feel the exact same way. For many years I felt alone, but I have jumped outside of the box that other people have put me in and now I feel inspired to freely walk this earth and encourage others to live outside of the box as well, especially when I hear people like yourself share similar stories! Keep writing Wren!

  2. Pingback: yeah yeah, i accept you, just stop talking about it: why we still need to talk about sexuality/gender | falling leaves as they come

  3. My current theory is that when we’re young we need to define ourselves both as “belonging to” and “in opposition” to groupings of various sorts… and that as we mature, *if* we mature, we need less of the latter, and in fact start celebrating the “otherness” of others. The more we grow, the more we *love* difference.

    Perhaps in fear based cultures, maturity is retarded or impeded…

    I am loving how many people of your generation are rejecting fear, rejecting the need to define themselves “in opposition” and instead are embracing what they love just as “what I love”. Or whom (singular or plural).

    I also think that there are some practical limitations to what we can attend to in life, and if we choose “business” or “career” or “a cause”… well, that’s where our focus mostly goes… who has time for all this “who am I?” “who do I love?” “what do I love?” stuff, when there’s money to be made, things to buy, and ooo shiny!? Shut up about your damned love style, I want that new SUV.

    I was just as narrow as the next white boy of my generation, shared the same bad jokes, tried not to be part of any picked-on sub-culture, did my share of being dismissive… but the longer I live the more I love, and the less I want conformity and uniformity and mono-culture. And the more I appreciate people like you who learn the lessons earlier than I, and who live life well.

    It makes me hopeful. It makes me happy.

    Keep writing Wren, you’re onto something(s) good.

    • Kevin, this warms my heart so much and makes me ooze with glee! Thanks for sharing your thoughtful response; I really appreciate it and think it’s very valuable as well for the conversation-at-large (i see a lot of truthful insight in what you write)<3 🙂 Thank you! ! !

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