today, as ini and i sat on the mound in the backyard, i realized that i felt a certain level of lack-of-rights in my life. due to upbringing & internalized assumptions & even spiritual belief-systems which i had chosen to take on at various times in my life, i didn’t feel a right to anything. as i sat there and thought about myself and heard ini reflect attributes of my character back to me i had a realization:
i am a healing force in the world. sure, i have it within me to be chaotic or even destructive, but i don’t choose this as a manner of course. i choose my character to be one of healing, seeking to choose the wise path, chaos within healing perspective, having a wide perspective, caring & nurturing, standing up for the downtrodden without voices (whether person, vegetable, mineral, fungal, waterway, forest, animal, etc). i have been looking at my assumptions about whether or not i have a right to dream (and where a belief comes from that i don’t have a right to dream), create and enact on my dreams. whether my dreams are worthy or that i am a deserving dreamer. i have found that within there is a fear of acting on dreams, of taking a stand, of acting toward my highest callings and deep-seeded dreams. why this i (i have a few ideas) is getting more clear and with awareness it’s also becoming clearer on how to step forward out of this old-belief into greater expression, self confidence, embodiment (breathe!), and action towards dream-manifestation. yet here’s the realization:
i am not a dominator type. if anything, i’ve needed to grow boundaries for my naturally care-taking, nurturing, one-ness based empathetic character. i dream for the collective. i work with a transpersonal vision. and yet i feel a lack of entitlement to dream, to envision and to act on my dreams. while many in the world who have smaller visions which are damaging to ecosystems, indigenous peoples, and nearly totally focused on a monetary-economy feel a complete right to dream, envision and manifest their desires into reality.
this was a big one for me to piece together into such simple wording earlier. why is it that dominator culture inherently feels the right to take advantage of and even exploit other people (and ecosystems), while i question my right as a caring & respectful human being to manifest my dreams in reality? this is a laughable concept for the books!